Friday, February 22, 2013
How NOT to Offer Gluten Free Communion
A tongue-in-cheek post...
Top 10 Ways NOT to Offer Gluten Free Communion
10. Advertise it but then don't provide it.
(Ha ha! Fooled ya!)
9. Make it as awkward as possible - have people walk forward to the very front of the church, in front of everyone, and then request it from a pastor or server who is totally unprepared.
(Oh, hang on, I'll just run back to the sacristy/office/kitchen...)
8. Cross-contaminate the bread so that it isn't actually gluten free.
(A few crumbs are okay, right?)
7. When someone asks you if your church offers gluten free communion, respond, "Well, it's certainly gluten free-ish!"
(How sick are you going to get, anyway?)
6. Use white bread and tell people it's gluten free because it's not "whole wheat."
(Because white bread is made out of "whole white," duh!)
5. Put it on a small, decrepit table in a dark corner. Leave it there for months, until the first gluten free visitor shows up.
(Nothing says "You're welcome here!" like ingesting a dust bunny!)
4. Say, "Well, our communion definitely doesn't have any glue in it!"
(Because being gluten free is all about not eating Elmer's!)
3. Lecture anyone who asks for gluten free communion by getting very high-and-mighty and then saying, "The LORD himself usethed wheaten bread, so we shalt useth wheaten bread."
(Not too far off from what some churches are saying...)
2. Tell people who want gluten free communion that if they have enough faith, they can "pray the wheat" out of the regular stuff.
(It's so weird why we still have wars and famine and illness and stuff. Someone must have forgotten to pray.)
1. Only offer it biannually, on years that contain the number "7," and in months that don't end in -y.
(Because, really, why should we care about people who are just on a fad diet?)