Things You Don't Say to a Pregnant Woman

My sisters and I at my youngest sister's wedding in June.

I came across two wonderful articles today on the theme of pregnancy and tact.

The first is from Christianity Today's Her.Menutics blog, of which I am a big fan. The blog covers femininity, feminism, culture, news, and theology, and today's post was titled: "What Not to Say to a Pregnant Woman." You can find it here.

In it the author chronicles unhelpful things that were said to her during her pregnancy, particularly at church, including the ever-popular: "You look like you're going to pop!"

As someone who is now full term (37 weeks today, baby!), I have heard all of these and more. Sometimes inside of church, often outside of it. They get old, fast.

The second post is from Laura Ziesel's personal faith blog, and it's called "Small Talk With Pregnant Women and Moms." You can find it here. She reminds her readers not to comment on pregnant women's bodies - we are a self-conscious lot to begin with, dontchaknow.

For the most part, I've been surrounded by an incredibly loving community throughout my pregnancy. The church I pastor is over-the-moon excited. My family has been buying baby clothes since I was only three weeks along in my pregnancy. My husband is a champion, having cared for me tenderly and compassionately from the first weeks of nausea to these last weeks when I need help tying my shoes.

I have very little to complain about.

Yet I've still gotten my share of comments that shouldn't have been spoken. Pregnancy is a public act in many ways, and perhaps never so public as when a woman is a public figure already - a pastor or a school teacher or a professor.

I think often of Marissa Mayer, the new CEO for Yahoo!, who is due to give birth this October and plans to have a maternity leave that's only "a few weeks" during which she will continue working (!). I can't imagine the pressures she faces as a third trimester mama-to-be and the CEO of a struggling company.

As I reflect on my last days of pregnancy, I've made my own list of things not to say to the pregnant women you meet.

The list is borne from nine months of carrying this wonderful little baby and nine months of being a pastor, a committee member, a traveler, a small town citizen, and an increasingly round-bellied lady.

Things You Don't Say to a Pregnant Woman...

--Photo borrowed from Urban Librariana here.

1. You Look So Big!
This is SO unhelpful. Seriously. I had someone tell me when I was five months pregnant that I looked "WAY too big to be only five months." Why would a person say ever this?

The bodily changes that come with pregnancy are difficult enough without people commenting on a woman's size. Trust me, she knows that her cardigan is getting snug. She was probably up early trying to find something professional to wear to the office or something cute to wear out on the town. It isn't easy to accept a body that changes daily from round to rounder.

Maybe you're right. Maybe she is big. If so, she's definitely noticed, and is likely feeling grumpy about the whole thing. So instead of telling her she looks big, tell her she looks great. Tell her she looks beautiful. Tell her to put her feet up.

At one appointment with our midwife I ended up crying in her office over the increasing comments on my size. Our midwife, God bless her, promptly whipped out a tape measure, measured my abdomen and said, "You are 25 weeks and 25 centimeters. You are exactly perfect. Next time someone tells you you are big, tell them that your midwife says you are PERFECT."

Then she and my husband made me repeat that whole sentence. They have truly been a loving tag-team throughout this roller coaster of a pregnancy.

And I'll admit, before I was pregnant, I said this same unintentionally hurtful phrase to someone close to me. I thought she was so cute and beautiful with that rounded belly that I just blurted it out. And she burst into tears. And I wanted to crawl in a hole and die...

We don't usually say these things to be unkind, which makes mindfulness even more important. To that dear friend, if you remember that moment, I am truly sorry.

--Photo borrowed from Project Look Good.

2. How Much Weight Have You Gained?
This is a question only a doctor or midwife should ask. Anyone else should get punched.

Also - if a person has a petite frame to begin with, they will likely look like they've gained too much weight by the end of pregnancy. I'm still well within the recommended weight gain, but I look like I've gained more. I feel like I've gained more.

Taller or larger women, will likely look like they've gained too little weight, which may also make them feel self conscious. (They get a lot of the "Is the baby okay? You're so SMALL!" type comments). So just don't ask about a woman's weight. Ever. Whether she's pregnant or not. It's a no-win situation.

3. Oh, You're Still Here...
This is a sentence I've heard more often as my pregnancy has neared its end. I'm hoping for an early delivery (seriously - who wouldn't rather push out a 7 pound baby than a 9 or 10 pound one?). Sometimes I even begin to plan for an early delivery (my mom, my sister, and my husband's mom all gave birth 1-3 weeks early), but please don't remind me that I still haven't given birth yet.

I'm the one not sleeping. I'm the one with the constant Braxton Hicks contractions. I'm the one who can't roll over in bed without grabbing onto the bedframe for leverage. I'm the one who cannot shave her own legs without doing some serious gymnastics.

Say instead, "It's so good to see you!" Say instead, "How are you feeling?" Say instead absolutely nothing.

4. My Delivery Was Horrible!
Don't share your pregnancy horror stories with a mom-to-be. Just don't.

If you had an easy delivery, share that. If you had a quick delivery, share that. If you cannot wait to meet our little bundle of joy, share that.

I do not need to know how many stitches you had. I do not need to know how painful contractions were for you. I do not need to know that it lasted 84 hours and you screamed like a banshee and you wished you would die.

Tell me later, after the baby comes. We can compare notes. But do not tell me now.

5. Can You Try to Look Less Pregnant?/Suck In That Belly!
A well meaning relative said this to me before a family picture. First of all, well meaning relative, I cannot look less pregnant. Second of all, this belly doesn't suck in. That would push the baby into my spine, which is not a good thing to do.

Another relative of mine overheard this comment and came to my rescue, saying:

"She should look exactly as pregnant as she is for the picture. I think she looks beautiful, and she'll want to remember this special time."

This second relative is now my favorite person in the entire universe.

6. You Should Stay Home!
I've gotten this comment from an increasing number of people I don't know as I've approached my due date. Just this weekend the middle-aged guy taking tickets at the movie theater looked at my belly and said, "Whoa! When are you due?"

"In about three weeks," I said.

He continued staring at my belly with great fear and trepidation, like it might explode at any minute.

"You aren't going to go into labor in the theater, are you?" he asked.

"I certainly wouldn't mind it!" I joked, trying to set him at ease (I don't know why this is my gut reaction when dealing with insensitive folks I don't know, but it usually is...).

"Well... that would be... interesting..."

Some people seem to think that pregnant women should be in lock down for the last month of pregnancy just in case they should *gasp* go into labor.

What I should have said in response: Listen, buddy. It's going to be a lot more of a big deal for me than for you if I go into labor in your theater. I will get up, exit, and go home with my husband. You won't even notice. I, however, will spend the next several hours to days in a lot of pain as I push a human being into the world. So be quiet, sell me my ticket and my Sprite, and let me see my movie in peace, okay?

Geesh.

7. Unsolicited and/or Dogmatic Advice
I know people care. I know sometimes they cannot help themselves. But do not pressure me to do what you did or didn't do. Do not pressure me to agree with you on something I may have my own strong opinions about, for reasons I may not want to share.

During this pregnancy I have repeatedly been told the following:

What hospital I should use (any others would be a DISASTER, certainly)
That I should absolutely have an epidural
That I should absolutely have a natural birth
That I should go with a midwife
That only crazy granola-eating hippies use midwives
That I should give my baby a certain middle name (seriously? SERIOUSLY?!?!)
That I should be back to work within a week or two
That I will never want to go back to work

Sigh.

--Drawing borrowed from Defies.

What You SHOULD Say

You look beautiful.

We are praying for you.

How can I help?

Can I get you a glass of water?

Everything's going to be great!

And to be honest, most of the comments I've gotten are from the "SHOULD say" list.

Just this week in church another mom grabbed my arm and whispered in my ear with such kindness, "We cannot WAIT!" I have a group of wonderful friends and family members who have answered all of my mom-to-be pregnancy questions with such insight and reassurance that I often cried. It's been a good road, and one that's nearing its end.

So my question to you is, what would you add to this list? Have you ever found yourself saying any of the above and then regretting it? What do you say to encourage moms-to-be?